i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
