you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
