In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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