She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
