She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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