he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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