Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize