i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
