You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
