im six kinds of drunk right now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
