im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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