Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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