I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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