I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
