I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
