..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
