She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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