I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
