i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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