Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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