I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
