the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
