dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
