So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
