i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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