Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
