Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
