saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
