I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
