Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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