I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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