I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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