I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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