life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize