i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
