2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
time to smoke my breakfast
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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