Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize