one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
