Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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