Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
