if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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