Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
