the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
