He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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