Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
