She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
