Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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