Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
