Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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