I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Are we still banned from the library?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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