Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
