P.S. I can't hear my feet
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
