Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
