I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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