She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
