bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
