Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
well, you know. whores of a feather.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
